i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
