What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Randomize
