You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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