Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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