i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize