i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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