The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Randomize
