The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
