i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
i drank out of a bidet.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
