I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
