I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
