She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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