I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
