Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
