I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
