Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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