Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
