It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Randomize
