i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
