mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
