taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Randomize
