Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
