And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Randomize
