I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
