Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Randomize
