I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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