Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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