how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Randomize
