I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
