I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
