I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Is Oprah even human
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
