she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize