Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
