Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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