I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
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