But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
