the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I have tasted many bathrooms
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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