even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
