Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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