I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
My friends, they love my intelligence
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
