I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Randomize
