yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Couch. On fire.
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