My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
