Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize