remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
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