Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
