Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Please don't give away my fajitas
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
