I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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