Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
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