Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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