I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
