we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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