In America we eat man semen.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
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