last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
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