Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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