Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
