The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
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