i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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