new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize
